Of Time and Youth

At times I find being young to be a blessing and a curse at the same time. On the one hand I tell myself that I don’t want to grow up. Because for one reason or another, grown ups are known to be unadventurous, worriers and are just taking life way too serious. No, thank you! I am happy to be 23 and enjoy all the privileges of being young. Let it be like that forever.

On the other hand I do not want to go back in life. I am happy that (high) school is over and with that a little bit of drama is gone, too. After all, with age comes maturity and thus wisdom (at least in a  perfect world, that is). We have all become a bit less self-conscious. College is done, Bachelor’s degree earned, what else could I wish for? Uhm. Peace of mind.

I am not yet where I want to be in life but I am also not in an extreme hurry to get there. All I know is: I DO want to at least find out where I am going to be rather sooner than later.

Therefore, I find being young, or at least being in the early 20s difficult. As contradictory as it is, I feel caught in between the freedom of doing whatever I want, and the urge to work toward a successful career.

If I start my career right away I will probably regret not having had time for myself, not having had time to gain perspective, not having had time away from school. Time to breathe and just live.

This year, however, I have learned that as long as I have not figured out what exactly I am going to be doing in my future and where, I will not have peace of mind, and thus no time to live. It’s a curse. It’s also a bit exaggerated.

In any case, my early 20s seem to be a never ending transition period. My life is supposed to go from fun college time (undergraduate studies) to more serious college time (graduate studies) and to where life ends (work).

So let’s go… but what about the time in-between, the time that I need to get there?

To me, the idea of “taking time off” only really pays off when I know what is going to be in the future. I cannot live in the moment (which ideally one should do in their break) without knowing what is going to be in the future.

I want to know what is going to be and what I am going to be. What job am I going to have? Where am I going to live? My life has just never been planned out, as I have never felt the urge or need to do so too much. In fact, for a long time now I have gone to and after where my heart was. It has worked out so far and in a way I feel privileged.

Right now, I just want to go to concerts, travel, be with my friends, go to the beach, spend money and not worry. However, one of the many things I have learned this year is, that life never stops. Thus I need to free myself from the illusion that there will be times where it is just me and nothing else to worry about around me. Life always goes on. It does not matter where you are or what you are doing. There will always be a next year a next week a next day. And more time for me to think about how my past has affected my future and how the present will affect it. I just want to say: “See some people say I think too much-so I had a think about it and I think that they should shut the fuck up-if I knew how to silence all the voices in my head then I would, but I can't so I listen to 'em instead (Thoughtcrime lyrics by Horrorshow).“

And then I think, oh, whatever, I am happy I figured it out. I am happy I am aware of the problem. I can change it. Or not. Let’s just enjoy life, we’ve come so far already, we’ve seen the world. We CAN see the world. Life is good. I just need to remind myself sometimes. Because among other things that I have learned this year, I have learned that if you really really wish for something and believe in it and yourself, good things are going to happen. Eventually, everything just adds up to a great outcome. Life happens for a reason. 

But sometimes, I still recommend Vodka and listen to this song: 

Because it just makes life seem so good right this moment. Ascha found it and she knows that everyone loves her for it, because it makes them want to pursue their dreams. There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. Don’t you think? Dream on!