Wherever you are, be all there.

Writing a blog about my current life has been a point on my to do list for a very long time. I have been very hesitant, for numerous reasons, mainly because I never knew what information I exactly wanted to share. I always knew that if I had a blog I'd want the information I share to be personal. However it couldn't be too personal but I would need to find a way that I can share the story of my life (and maybe yours) with the world, literally. It's the internet after all.
While finally setting up this new blog I learned that writing in English makes me express things differently. I wasn't really surprised by this but it became extra clear at this point. While I am quite immersed in American English and have a good vocabulary, the language will probably always stay somewhat abstract for me. Abstract in a good way, meaning that I can express myself more freely than in German. Maybe this is not only a unique feeling or experience limited to my individual perception. Think about all the successful music out there. It's mostly in English. Maybe there is something to the language that enables individuals, especially artists to express their feeling more precisely?
I will try to keep my blog bilingual, however, it will probably depend on my mood and state of mind of the day, sometimes there might be entries in only one or the other language.
I want the blog to be accessible for family and friends but also for anyone else who is interested in what I write. I find it exciting to have a platform to share my thoughts with a broad audience and have not yet made up my mind about whether I might want to limit that audience at some point.

Lately my life has been all about ADJUSTMENT and EXPLORING and REFLECTION. You would think that once you've been abroad several times, especially when always returning to the same country, there might not be much more new to explore, experience or get used to. Think again.
In these previous five months of being abroad here I have once again learned that America is a very diverse country with a lot of beauty and the same amount of flaws.
I raced (again, literally) into this year thinking "oh it's gonna be an easy one." Been there done that. Was abroad in high school, lived with a great family: awesome, fun! Was abroad in college, met the best people: amazing!
But no, being an au pair is a whole different story. It's about living with a family, ideally as a family member and employee at the same time. That in itself can be tough at times. In my case I had also shifted location to the East Coast, more precisely Washington DC, a place much different form small town Kansas or small town California.
From my personal point of view the only reason one would want to live in DC for is money, business, politics. Not my thing. At least not at this point in time. I had planned on doing the au pair program to get a break from all that career hassle. Looking back, I do not miss anything about DC as a city. I do miss the kids, they were great, and I surely appreciate having been able to experience life there. I have spent four months there and now know a lot more about what I do not want. Let me tell you, learning about what you don't want in life is a very good thing.
For those that don't know the story behind my first couple if months as an au pair, here is the short version, so that you can understand what I am even writing about: Arrived in DC, quickly learned that it's a different American in that part of the country. Thought A LOT about what to do. Considered the possibility of doing a "rematch", meaning finding a new family, without the chances of knowing where to end up or whether to end up anywhere at all. Went back and forth between rematch and no rematch on a daily basis. Had a lot of self-reflection and finally made the most difficult decision i have ever made in my life: yes, rematch. The happy end is: I ended up in Boulder, close to Kansas, close enough to California and in the middle of one of the most amazing states in the States. All in all: this is the California of the Midwest.
As happy as the end sounds, I am a very very sensitive person when it comes to thinking about other people's well-being. For reason unknown I oftentimes think that if I don't help, organize or stay, their world will break apart. I feel extremely guilty for not giving homeless people money or when I see someone sitting at a restaurant alone. The irony: I often love going places all by myself. In any case, a guilty conscience towards my DC host children is exactly what has made my decision of moving away from there so incredibly difficult. Even with all the stuff I disliked there, I got used to the place and my work quite easily.
I now know that the decision to come to Colorado was right, but I still think about about leaving those children "behind" (I know it's not nearly so dramatic) and in some way interrupting their lives. However I am sure they are fine and I now have new little pumpkins who I can worry about.
Therefore, in the end the lesson that I have learned from all this is that it is important to solely look out for oneself at times. Other people can contribute to your happiness but they will not make you happy if you aren't so yourself. Being egoistic has a very negative connotation but I guess there is something like being egoistic for the right reasons.
Something to think about at the end of my first blog entry. And also: somebody once said: "wherever you are, be all there." I love this quote because it's something I want to live by but I always find myself questioning: what does it take to live up to this quote?

German version of this post coming soon!